I recently became vegan and I'm obsessed with trying to lower my negative impact on our planet. I'm going to try to blog regularly about my thoughts and journey.
If you haven't seen any of my vlogs on youtube or read any of my previous blog posts, I have been in the process of converting to Catholicism and this past Saturday, the day before easter, I was confirmed and had my first communion (well, my first communion in the catholic church). It was a very positive and moving experience for me. My mom came, which meant a lot to me. The Easter Vigil service was a night I have been looking forward to for several months.
The process was actually very difficult for me personally because there are things the Catholic church believes that I disagree with and it has taken a lot of praying, studying, really thinking about what I believed and why I believed these things. I didn't want to just take what my deacons and priest said as an end all be all and have that be it. I wanted to understand why the catholic church followed and believed certain things. Although the learning process never ends and I am still doing research. I have found that it has taken more soul searching than anything and realizing who I am as a person. Because of this process, I have started becoming more comfortable with who I am.
One of the things that I have started to come to terms with is my sexuality. At the age of 14, I started to realize that I may be bisexual. Growing up, I think it was normal to be attracted to both boys and girls, I never thought about it but I never knew there were terms for being attracted to the same sex, opposite sex or even both sexes. Although in middle school, I learned that being attracted to the same sex was termed "gay" or "lesbian." Which I never gave a thought about. Once I hit high school though and I started becoming more involved with theatre and started going to booker high school for musical theatre, I started trying to figure out who I was and realized that it wasn't "normal" so to speak to be attracted to both men and women and that there was actually a name for it. Again, at this point though, I didn't really give it much thought until I was 16 when I started going to church and becoming more religious. At this point, I became afraid of "going to hell" and being judged by my peers, so I went back in the closet so to speak. So, if I had told anyone I was bisxual at this point, I started denying it until I was 19 when I started backing away from the church.
At this point, I was taking a class in college and started to re- realize my sexuality when I realized that I was attracted to another woman in my class. Over the next 4 years, while I had come out to several people, I never fully accepted myself for my sexuality and didn't know how to be ok with my faith and my sexuality. Part of me wanted to reject faith altogether because I knew I couldn't suppress my sexuality to myself any longer. Up until a year and a half ago, I read Ryan Buell's book "Paranormal State," where he briefly discussed his bisexuality and I watched all 5 seasons of paranormal state and admired how Ryan seemed to be comfortable with his sexuality and still be a practicing catholic. While Ryan isn't the only one I've admired in regards to this, I have several friends that are Christian and gay/ lesbian/ bisexual, I started to slowly come to terms with my faith and my sexuality and that it isn't a bad thing.
So, going back to the main point of this post, in regards to my faith and my own self discovery, these last few months have meant allot to me and my confirmation was basically a pivotal point in my spiritual journey.
As I've gotten older, learned a little about various religions and learned about other people's beliefs, whether religious or not, I have started forming my own beliefs on different aspects of life in regards to marriage, sexuality, politics and many other aspects of life. Does this mean I have the answers to everything or have an opinion on everything? No. In reality, I have more questions of my own as I get older.
One thing I've learned is that I don't need to agree with everyone on everything. Nor do I need to have a debate every time I disagree with someone. Although, as I have started the process of converting to Catholicism I find myself arguing with what I believe. What is right? What is wrong? Do I really believe this? Does God require me to believe this? In regards to my sexuality and my stance on Gay marriage, it has certainly been something that has made me really hesitant to really open up to the deacons I interact with on a weekly basis because as many know, the Catholic church frowns upon what they think of as a "choice" to be a gay man, lesbian women, bisexual, questioning, pansexual or transgender. Do I personally believe that it was a choice that I am bisexual? No, not in the slightest. Can I change the fact that I am attracted to both men and women? No. Sure, I can outwardly say that I'm straight even though it isn't true just as much as I can say that I'm 5'5" even though I'm only 5'1".
There are several other things that the Catholic church itself believes that I don't agree with that makes me second guess if I am making the right choice in regards to converting to the Catholic faith as well as all of the stigmas that are related to the Catholic faith. There isn't anyone saying that I need to agree with everything the church says. I am not the type to blindly follow the church. God gave me a mind to think and learn with and I intend to do that. I don't claim to be the most intelligent person ever but I am always trying to learn.
The more I learn about my faith, the more I argue with myself and God but at the same time, my faith in God becomes stronger. Even if I don't agree with God on everything. If God wants to send me to heaven or hell for anything, that's between God and myself. Not anyone else. Sure, I can ask any pastor, deacon, Priest or any other religious leader about what I may be struggling with but untimately, it's betwen Myself and God.
