Well, hello. Here's a blog that I hardly ever post on. Why you ask? I have no clue. It just feels weird to me at the moment to even be writing a blog because with blogger or even tumblr, you can't make these posts private to where only your friends can see them. Which I feel is very odd. If that's a strange way of thinking then so be it. I journal every day and I talk to my best friend on a daily basis, mainly via text and skype every few days. I post pictures on my facebook and instagram of important events. Sometimes I even vlog and post it on youtube to share. I'm spread across so many social media sites including facebook, twitter, tumblr, instagram, myspace, google plus, youtube and pinterest, that I never focus my thoughts in one place.

I admit, I don't have much of a social life at the moment. I like to hide behind my computer screen or have my face in a book. Probably more so than most. Gotta love social anxiety! I try and get out every once in a while but it's hard for me to do. I find myself making plans and then making an excuse as to why I can't go. This is something I'm trying to work on. I see my therapist twice a week and she is absolutely fantastic. I'm not agoraphobic because I'm able to go to the grocery store, ride the bus and travel. Just social interaction isn't my strong suite.

I may or may not post here more. I'm not sure yet. I used to blog frequently when myspace was popular but I fell out of the habit and never got back into it. I used to post on livejournal a lot more as well but haven't logged on in months. I'd like to write about my experiences thus far with my mental health issues. Although I'm wary about revealing personal information on any public forum. Especially with past trauma that I've had. I just want to help educate others. I don't claim to be a mental health professional though. I've considered vlogging about it on my youtube channel but it's difficult me to express myself verbally and I'm more confident in regards to writing than I am speaking.

Anxiety attack

I have recently obtained a job, which I am very grateful that I can finally say that I have a job but on the first day, I hit a brick wall. I know what you're thinking, it's normal to hit a brick wall on a regular basis as you are in the training process of a new job. Which I agree with you, to a point. The job I was hired for is a fundraiser campaign for a local repertory theatre. Which as you can imagine, requires me to call past patrons, donors and sponsors. Not a big deal right? I didn't think so either. Until I had an anxiety attack 2 calls in.

Which at that point, I made an excuse to leave a few minute early and my manager was kind enough to let me go without question. So, as I got into my car I just couldn't do anything but sit there with my heart pounding, sweating like crazy (despite it being fairly cool outside) with a massive headache and crying. At that moment I was grateful that I parked in a corner of the parking lot that wasn't very well lit and when my manager and co-worker left, I don't think they saw my car.

20 minutes later, I finally started the car and pulled out and instantly felt like a failure because I had only made 2 calls and was already considering leaving the job. I e-mailed my manager the following day, giving her my reasons as to why I couldn't come in the next day.

While I knew I had anxiety in regards to talking on the phone. I didn't realize it was that bad. I've always been able to make calls that I needed to in the past, like making doctors appointments, setting up interviews with other companies that I applied for, making plans with friends, things of that nature. It's always taken me a few minutes to get together the courage or put my thoughts together enough before I made a call. Granted my heart is pounding after any given call that I place but I've managed somehow up to this point. but for whatever reason, the thought of making possibly hundreds of calls in a 5 hour shift finally hit me as I was only 2 calls in. Granted I had 4 1/2 hours of training that day and only had to do about half an hour of work, it still managed to shoot me in the foot.

I do have to admit I feel like a failure because of the fact that I've been considering leaving this job even only after 1 day. I'm just not sure if I should stay and risk more anxiety attacks in the future and have my whole life revolve around being stressed 24/7 over a job or if I should start looking for something else and start getting treatment of some sort.

Seeing a therapist is something I can't avoid now. Especially if my anxiety is going to be affecting me in such a way and I can't control it. I just need to decide by Sunday if I'm going to stay with this job or not. It's only until the first week of April. I love my manger and I love the person I was working with. I want to stay with this job but if it's going to affect me this negatively, is it really worth it?

I'm not writing this for sympathy, I'm not writing this because I want attention. I'm writing this because I want to let other's know that they aren't alone and that they aren't crazy. Do I feel crazy? Yes but I know there are other's out there going through the same thing and if you suffer from anxiety, I just want you to know you're not the only one and that it can get better. It just takes some self realization and to find a good therapist to help you get through it.

Out here on my own

I am so glad for the good friends that I have but I somehow always feel like I don't fit in entirely. I don't know why this is but I just feel like I never really have anything to say and I have a hard time relating to people. I feel even more awkward trying to have a conversation with a group of people because it always seems like everyone is talking over everybody else and what I have to say never seems to be relevant to the conversation and then I hate it when some one points out and is like "you haven't been saying anything, what do you think?" and I never know what to say or I think the topic is stupid or I don't really have any knowledge base about the topic and usually by that point I don't have anything to say because what I thought about previously has nothing to do with the current topic. That or I am just not really paying attention and thinking about other things.


Other than looking for a job, I have been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. If you don't know already, I'm going to be taking a couple more classes in the spring and then I'm going to take a couple years off from college, I'm not even 100% sure I'm even going to go back to college. Possibly one of the technical schools but yeah. School really isn't my thing. I am not an academic at all. I want to travel. I want to meet some of my friends that I've been talking to online. I just want to experience different places. I just want to live life as it comes to me. I don't really have a plan. I don't necessarily want a plan. I just want to be happy.

Am I crazy?

One thing I despise about myself is that I either over-stress or I don't stress enough. I can't seem to find a
"happy medium." Why this is? I have no idea. Such as, I started having some issues with my computer yesterday. Not a huge deal right? I just need to talk to a friend of mine and bring it over to him to work on it but I am just stressing out so much about it because I have an 8 page paper that I need to write for my Sign Language class and another huge assignment for my astronomy test and I can't afford to not have a computer and I can't afford to buy a new one. Although the issue with my computer, I am sure, is a simple problem, the worst always comes to my mind.

On the other extreme, albeit I am having computer troubles, I am not too concerned about rushing on getting my assignments done because I have a couple weeks when I should be working on them more than I am. I should be a bit more concerned about these things, but I'm not.

-.- I don't know what's normal about me and what isn't. Honestly, if I could afford it, I would see a psychologist but yeah. =/ Like that's possible. *sigh*

Haterz gunna hate!

Over the last couple of years, I have learned and come to accept the fact that some people hate me for no legitimate reason, if any reason at that. Some people it is just sheer immaturity and ignorance. Some, have a (somewhat) legitimate reason, but still not completely legitimate since a majority of these people refuse to see the truth of the situation. I have said pretty negative things about some people, but only out of personal experience and I am being completely honest when I tell people what I think about someone and/or the experiences I've had with them, weather good or bad. I have had people tell me I am a liar and simply seeking to be in the center of attention. I think to a point this may be true with everyone. I don't intentionally try and put myself in the center of attention. I don't make youtube video's to be in the center of attention.

I make youtube video's, partly to document some of my life so I can look back on the video's in the future and remember the shows I've done, to be able to remember the day when my cousin's son walked for the first time, to remember the experiences I've had and the memories I've created. I also talk about my weight loss struggles, my opinions on religious and political issues. Do reviews on movies, books, products, websites and maybe talk about a new recipe I discovered. I also hope to maybe influence someone's life. None of it is to benefit me. I don't make money doing it.

Back to what I originally started talking about, learning to not let what other people think of me get me down isn't easy. I still find it difficult to just let it go and forgive these people. I still manage to keep tabs on some of these people and sometimes I see something they post about me and most of the time it's hurtful but I know better then to talk to these people about what they say because I know it isn't going to do any good.

When I just sit and think about all of this, I think about a couple of things.

On youtube, there are always going to be haters and they are going to hate no matter what. These people are just on youtube to leave negative comments and put others down because they have nothing better to do. The real youtube community does not let the haters get them down because we all know that they are trying to put their insecurities and frustrations out on people who make videos. All you can do is ignore them and not feed the fire because haters gonna hate.

I also think about a conversation a friend of mine and I had back in November or so. I was discussing with him some of the drama that was (and to an extent still is) going on. I was trying to put everything behind me but the show I was doing at the time made it difficult since a couple of the people who were causing the drama were in the cast. With the glares and the comments I heard behind my back, I just couldn't take it anymore and had to talk to him about it. He told me something that his mother used to say, "Don't let the bastards get you down."

Whenever something starts to bug me, I think about these things and I know that no matter what, these people are going to say things about me behind my back and make fun of me. There is nothing I can do to stop them because this is a free country, and I think to myself "Don't let those bastards get you down." I may go shed a few tears but with a few deep breaths and clearing my mind. I keep going forward.

How is any of the current drama going to effect both my future both professionally and personally? I don't know. I can only deal with things as they come. I am expecting the worst and hoping for the best.