Out here on my own

I am so glad for the good friends that I have but I somehow always feel like I don't fit in entirely. I don't know why this is but I just feel like I never really have anything to say and I have a hard time relating to people. I feel even more awkward trying to have a conversation with a group of people because it always seems like everyone is talking over everybody else and what I have to say never seems to be relevant to the conversation and then I hate it when some one points out and is like "you haven't been saying anything, what do you think?" and I never know what to say or I think the topic is stupid or I don't really have any knowledge base about the topic and usually by that point I don't have anything to say because what I thought about previously has nothing to do with the current topic. That or I am just not really paying attention and thinking about other things.


Other than looking for a job, I have been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. If you don't know already, I'm going to be taking a couple more classes in the spring and then I'm going to take a couple years off from college, I'm not even 100% sure I'm even going to go back to college. Possibly one of the technical schools but yeah. School really isn't my thing. I am not an academic at all. I want to travel. I want to meet some of my friends that I've been talking to online. I just want to experience different places. I just want to live life as it comes to me. I don't really have a plan. I don't necessarily want a plan. I just want to be happy.

Haterz gunna hate!

Over the last couple of years, I have learned and come to accept the fact that some people hate me for no legitimate reason, if any reason at that. Some people it is just sheer immaturity and ignorance. Some, have a (somewhat) legitimate reason, but still not completely legitimate since a majority of these people refuse to see the truth of the situation. I have said pretty negative things about some people, but only out of personal experience and I am being completely honest when I tell people what I think about someone and/or the experiences I've had with them, weather good or bad. I have had people tell me I am a liar and simply seeking to be in the center of attention. I think to a point this may be true with everyone. I don't intentionally try and put myself in the center of attention. I don't make youtube video's to be in the center of attention.

I make youtube video's, partly to document some of my life so I can look back on the video's in the future and remember the shows I've done, to be able to remember the day when my cousin's son walked for the first time, to remember the experiences I've had and the memories I've created. I also talk about my weight loss struggles, my opinions on religious and political issues. Do reviews on movies, books, products, websites and maybe talk about a new recipe I discovered. I also hope to maybe influence someone's life. None of it is to benefit me. I don't make money doing it.

Back to what I originally started talking about, learning to not let what other people think of me get me down isn't easy. I still find it difficult to just let it go and forgive these people. I still manage to keep tabs on some of these people and sometimes I see something they post about me and most of the time it's hurtful but I know better then to talk to these people about what they say because I know it isn't going to do any good.

When I just sit and think about all of this, I think about a couple of things.

On youtube, there are always going to be haters and they are going to hate no matter what. These people are just on youtube to leave negative comments and put others down because they have nothing better to do. The real youtube community does not let the haters get them down because we all know that they are trying to put their insecurities and frustrations out on people who make videos. All you can do is ignore them and not feed the fire because haters gonna hate.

I also think about a conversation a friend of mine and I had back in November or so. I was discussing with him some of the drama that was (and to an extent still is) going on. I was trying to put everything behind me but the show I was doing at the time made it difficult since a couple of the people who were causing the drama were in the cast. With the glares and the comments I heard behind my back, I just couldn't take it anymore and had to talk to him about it. He told me something that his mother used to say, "Don't let the bastards get you down."

Whenever something starts to bug me, I think about these things and I know that no matter what, these people are going to say things about me behind my back and make fun of me. There is nothing I can do to stop them because this is a free country, and I think to myself "Don't let those bastards get you down." I may go shed a few tears but with a few deep breaths and clearing my mind. I keep going forward.

How is any of the current drama going to effect both my future both professionally and personally? I don't know. I can only deal with things as they come. I am expecting the worst and hoping for the best.