Thursday, October 11, 2012

It's between myself and God

As I've gotten older, learned a little about various religions and learned about other people's beliefs, whether religious or not, I have started forming my own beliefs on different aspects of life in regards to marriage, sexuality, politics and many other aspects of life. Does this mean I have the answers to everything or have an opinion on everything? No. In reality, I have more questions of my own as I get older.

One thing I've learned is that I don't need to agree with everyone on everything. Nor do I need to have a debate every time I disagree with someone. Although, as I have started the process of converting to Catholicism  I find myself arguing with what I believe. What is right? What is wrong? Do I really believe this? Does God require me to believe this? In regards to my sexuality and my stance on Gay marriage, it has certainly been something that has made me really hesitant to really open up to the deacons I interact with on a weekly basis because as many know, the Catholic church frowns upon what they think of as a "choice" to be a gay man, lesbian women, bisexual, questioning, pansexual or transgender. Do I personally believe that it was a choice that I am bisexual? No, not in the slightest. Can I change the fact that I am attracted to both men and women? No. Sure, I can outwardly say that I'm straight even though it isn't true just as much as I can say that I'm 5'5" even though I'm only 5'1".

There are several other things that the Catholic church itself believes that I don't agree with that makes me second guess if I am making the right choice in regards to converting to the Catholic faith as well as all of the stigmas that are related to the Catholic faith. There isn't anyone saying that I need to agree with everything the church says. I am not the type to blindly follow the church. God gave me a mind to think and learn with and I intend to do that. I don't claim to be the most intelligent person ever but I am always trying to learn.

The more I learn about my faith, the more I argue with myself and God but at the same time, my faith in God becomes stronger. Even if I don't agree with God on everything. If God wants to send me to heaven or hell for anything, that's between God and myself. Not anyone else. Sure, I can ask any pastor, deacon, Priest or any other religious leader about what I may be struggling with but untimately, it's betwen Myself and God.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Reggie

They told me the big black Lab's name was Reggie, as I looked at him lying in his pen. The shelter was clean, no-kill, and the people really friendly. I'd only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town, people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when you pass them on the street.

But something was still missing as I
attempted to settle in to my new life h
ere, and I thought a dog couldn't hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen Reggie's advertisement on the local news. The shelter said they had received numerous calls right after, but they said the people who had come down to see him just didn't look like "Lab people," whatever that meant. They must've thought I did.

But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes and a sealed letter from his previous owner.

See, Reggie and I didn't really hit it off when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too.
Maybe we were too much alike.

I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten about that. "Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let's see if your previous owner has any advice."
____________ _________ _________ _________

To Whomever Gets My Dog:

Well, I can't say that I'm happy you're reading this, a letter I told the shelter could only be opened by Reggie's new owner. I'm not even happy writing it. He knew something was different.

So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will help you bond with him and he with you.

First, he loves tennis balls. The more the merrier. Sometimes I think he's part squirrel, the way he hoards them. He usually always has two in his mouth, and he tries to get a third in there. Hasn't done it yet. Doesn't
matter where you throw them, he'll bound after them, so be careful. Don't do it by any roads.

Next, commands. Reggie knows the obvious ones ---"sit," "stay," "come," "heel."

He knows hand signals, too: He knows "ball" and "food" and "bone" and "treat" like nobody's business.

Feeding schedule: twice a day, regular store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand.

He's up on his shots. Be forewarned: Reggie hates the vet. Good luck getting him in the car. I don't know how he knows when it's time to go to the vet, but he knows.

Finally, give him some time. It's only been Reggie and me for his whole life. He's gone everywhere with me, so please include him on your daily car rides if you can. He sits well in the backseat, and he doesn't bark or complain. He just loves to be around people, and me most especially.

And that's why I need to share one more bit of info with you...His name's not Reggie. He's a smart dog, he'll get used to it and will respond to it, of that I have no doubt. But I just couldn't bear to give them his real name. But if someone is reading this ... well it means that his new owner should know his real name. His real name is "Tank." Because, that is what I drive.

I told the shelter that they couldn't make "Reggie" available for adoption until they received word from my company commander. You see, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could've left Tank with .. and it was my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq, that they make one phone call to the shelter ... in the "event" ... to tell them that Tank could be put up for adoption. Luckily, my CO is a dog-guy, too, and he knew where my platoon was headed. He said he'd do it personally. And if you're reading this, then he made good on his word.

Tank has been my family for the last six years, almost as long as the Army has been my family. And now I hope and pray that you make him part of your family, too, and that he will adjust and come to love you the same way he
loved me.

If I have to give up Tank to keep those terrible people from coming to the US I am glad to have done so. He is my example of service and of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my country and comrades.

All right, that's enough. I deploy this evening and have to drop this letter off at the shelter. Maybe I'll peek in on him and see if he finally got that third tennis ball in his mouth.

Good luck with Tank. Give him a good home, and give him an extra kiss goodnight - every night - from me.

Thank you,

Paul Mallory
____________ _________ _________ _______

I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure, I had heard of Paul Mallory, everyone in town knew him, even new people like me. Local kid, killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously earning the Silver
Star when he gave his life to save three buddies. Flags had been at half-mast all summer.

I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees, staring at the dog.

"Hey, Tank," I said quietly.

The dog's head whipped up, his ears cocked and his eyes bright.

"C'mere boy."

He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood floor. He sat in front of me, his head tilted, searching for the name he hadn't heard in months. "Tank," I whispered.

His tail swished.

I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time, his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I stroked his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my
face into his scruff and hugged him.

"It's me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me." Tank reached up and licked my cheek.

"So whatdaya say we play some ball?" His ears perked again.

"Yeah? Ball? You like that? Ball?"


Tank tore from my hands and disappeared into the next room. And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his mouth.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Motivation

        Just over a month ago,  I started doing daily vlogs again. I have attempted to do daily vlogs on several occasions but the longest I've gone was three months straight. I have found it difficult in the past because after a few days, everything seems to become repetitive, and sometimes it really is but that's the beauty of daily vlogs is that you can see the up and downs and the slow days of a person's life. August was VEDA, Vlog every day in August. Which was just straight up vlogs, and I had started making some changes and doing some stuff. September, Shay carl started doing "staytember," where he is basically challenging his viewers to make some sort of change in their life and set 3 goals from the month of semptember. Granted I have a few goals but they are all manageable and following shay's challenge has given me motivation to do daily vlogs for another month.

        I do have to admit that there are some day's where I don't want to bother vlogging or I'm not in the mood but I made a goal of vlogging every day for the next year, I can't quit 36 days in! I have been wanting to do daily vlogs every day for a year for a few years and I just haven't done it yet. My main concern with it is when my camera decides to die. I'm going to have to get an inexpensive backup camera I think. Either that, or when I get the money, I'll just buy the same camera off of ebay.

        Doing daily vlogs has motivated me to really stick to what I say in terms of my goals. I really want to try and achieve loosing weight and a few other things. I have also started a collab channel with some of my friends, which I am really excited about. It is called The Bucket list 4. We just launched it this week and I'm stoked. The bucket list is also going to be an awesome motivation thing for me as well.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Happy 30th birthday, Ryan Buell!


I have been a fan of Ryan Buell and his team since Paranormal State premeired on A&E in December of 2007. Being 17, almost 18 at the time, I was the typical fan girl, drooling over how attactive he was but as I've gotten older and have a better understanding of the paranormal world and have started to form my own opinions and belief's, I have a respect for what Ryan does. The fact that he actually helps his clients as well as the spirits. He doesn't taunt and harass the spirits like they do on Ghost Adventures just to get the views and be in the center of attention.


A few months prior to Paranormal State airing, my cousin, Shirly, learned that she had pancreatic cancer but unfortunantly passed away in 2010. Shirly was like a 2nd mother to me and if anything happened to my parents, her and her husband, Mike, would have taken me in within a heartbeat. So, when she passed away, it was difficult.

When I learned Ryan pancreatic cancer, it came as some what of a shock to me. I don't claim to know Ryan at all but I understand the struggle that he himself, his friends and family may be going through and my heart goes out. I have always sensed that Ryan has a strong will to live and help others and I will continue to pray for him and his loved ones during this time.

When it comes to what I think and believe about the paranormal and my own spirituality, what I know of Ryan's work, has infuenced who I am today and I thank him for that and I hope that he comes through this stronger than ever. So today, in honor of my cousin and ryan, I'm wearing purple. Granted it's a pair of purple PJ pants but it's all I have in my closet! Happy 30th birthday, Ryan!

Imagine other's complexly

Watching youtubers online and meeting some of your closets friends via the internet can be an amazing thing but imagining them more than a 2nd moving picture, or words on a screen can prove to be difficult. As John Green said in his book Paper towns, “Imagine others complexly.” Which was difficult for me to do, until I got to meet several of my friends at Vidcon this year. As well as I felt I knew some of them, it was hard to imagine them complexly, until I could physically touch them, hug them, talk to them face to face and interact with them more deeply.


As huge and as vast as the online world is and as much drama as it can cause, it can bring a community of people together, introduce people from entirely different countries but for me, I have found it more profound to meet these people face to face and it has helped me Imagine other's complexly.


Who is there to thank? There are so many people that led me and my youtube family together, that I can't thank just one person. 

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Vidcon 2012


photo edit by screennamemissing


I just got back from Tampa airport from Vidcon 2012 and I have to say that it was an absolutely incredible experience. I know I won't be able to express in words how much it meant to me to meet some of my #teamregulars and hanging out with Tony and Sebby, as well as meeting so many amazing youtubers. I cannot describe the love, friendship and community I experienced the last few days, even more so than last year.

When I left tampa airport, I was incredibly anxious about getting there and it didn't help that I spent a majority of the day in Chicago because my connecting flight was canceled and I was given another flight for the following day, which wasn't going to work. I managed to get another flight for that day and get to John Wayne airport. Granted it was considerably later than I had originally planned, but I got there.

Vanessa, Lauren and Rachel came and picked me up from the airport, which was amazing. Then when I checked in and went to see everyone in the other room we had, they all surprised me with birthday cupcakes. <3 It honestly made my day so much better, and I have to thank them all for that. It was such a simple thing but gave me so much joy!

After I had dropped my stuff off in my room, we all headed over to the vidcon pre-party and hung out for a while. Later in the evening, Tony and Seb showed up. Tony was so funny, he was epic fan girling that we were all together in person for the first time. It was so amazing. I wish I had gotten it on camera. Once we were all kinda done at the previdcon party, we all went to denny's and this happened. Watch the video!



Disney Land was allot of fun as well. I initially wasn't too thrilled about going and thought about not going because my thought process was "I've been to Disney World, how different can it be?" I have to admit, it was far different. Sure it was just as exhausting as any other park but it was so much fun! That's to Tito, who gave us some passes and just being a great friend.
For me, I think the most significant part of the trip was the night we did the live stream on youtube. I think they were calling it "talking to the dead." Tony had brought in a medium.  Granted, I think this medium was simply just empathic and was just pretty good at reading people's body language. I don't think she was necessarily a full blown medium. Anyway, that night had really got me thinking and I looked back on some stuff that I had written and thinking about my future but that's another blog post altogether. Several inside jokes came out of that night as well. ^_^ The medium gave me her e-mail address, so hopefully she'll get back to me soon because I would like to talk to her more.

I am so glad that my team regulars, tony and seb along with some of the Black Box TV behind the scene's peeps were able to get together VidCon and get to know eachother better and hang out! The experience was above and beyond what I expected it to be. I think our friendship went to a whole other level, now that we know we're all actually real! I still can't really describe the experience at all and it's something that I'm going to remember for the rest of my life. It's also helped me with some huge life decisions I am going to be making here soon as well.

I will be posting pictures and videos up on my facebook and on youtube here in a few days. Just follow me on twitter and on my vlog channel and "main" channel as well as my facebook. :-) Next year, I'm going to try and post daily blogs for sure. Hopefully I'll have a laptop by then!


Thursday, June 21, 2012

what a whirlwind

http://www.etsy.com/shop/LumosHallows
Things have been crazy the last couple of weeks. Especially financially. My mom and I are having to find another place to live because apparently where we are living now, does not allow pets. So we are scrambling to get another place to move too and somehow trying to find a way to get some extra money to pay for that. We have been staying in a family member's condo, rent free for around 3 or 4 months now. Haven't had to pay the water or light bill, which has been a true blessing but as life happens, the blessing is passing. Albeit, it would be allot easier if I was able to find a job and the situation wouldn't be so difficult.

Another thing that I am stoked for (but at the same time I wish wasn't for another month), is Vidcon. For those that don't know what vidcon is, Vidcon is a youtube oriented conference out in Aneheim, California. I went last year and I had loads of fun and met so many amazing people as well as getting to meet a few of my online friends face to face for the first time. It's going to be difficult though because the money I had saved up for the trip, I have had to put it towards another apartment and I am coming up short money wise. I am sharing a room with 3 other people, but not sure how I'm going to cover my part and my food expenses as well as getting to and from the airport. So, that is another thing I am stressed about. I don't exactly want to forget about going to vidcon, since I already bought my pass and I bought my plane ticket. I don't want to throw that money away. I just need to find out how to get the rest of the money.

I am trying to find some odd jobs this week and hopefully sell a few diaper cakes before Wednesday, June 27th. So, if you are reading this and you are going to a baby shower, please check out my etsy page and buy an epic gift for the mom to be! *hint hint* Or at least share my etsy store with your friends and family. I would greatly appreciate it! I am not the type to ask for handouts. I would rather earn the money that I need. I do custom diaper cakes as well. So don't fret if I don't have something you like.

I am praying that everything works out and try to celebrate my birthday this coming Saturday as best as I can. I just can't believe I'm turning 23 this Saturday! It's just crazy.