I sit here at my computer day after day doing my schoolwork, planning my summer, writing, futzing around online and whatever else. I'll be going through my new's feed on facebook or reading a friends blog or watching a youtube video about what is going on in their life and learning about the struggles that they have gone through or are currently going through. Then I just sit back and I think about what I have gone through in the past and I honestly start to think that I really don't have it all that bad. Nor do I have to deal with as much BS as some people do. Sure I have my own personal issues that I need to deal with but it isn't all that bad because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Whereas some don't even have a glimpse of light yet they have more faith in the future than I do.
The people that I am thinking of somehow manage to keep moving forward with their lives whereas I am always stuck in the past somehow. I have good intentions but I never seem to start the things I want to. I've been saying since I lost my job at Bayside back in 2008 that I need to get another one. I have applied for jobs but I am not as persistent as I need to be. I've been saying that I want to start writing a script, I have an idea for a script written down but haven't actually started the script yet. I keep saying I am going to start taking voice lessons and find an acting coach. I contact my voice teacher and a possible acting coach but I never go through with making a lesson time. I keep saying I'm going to start going to a shrink. I contact a few and I don't follow through when they get back in touch with me.
I don't know why but I think part of me is afraid of change and "growing up." There is one aspect of who I am that is more mature than some people my age yet another part that is naive and childish. There is one part of me that is quiet and shy yet another part of me that wants to be in the center of attention. Maybe that's why I love making youtube video's so much. I really don't know.
I am honestly afraid of being one of those people who are 35 and still being supported by my parents. I'm not just realizing any of this either. This is something that has been going on in my mind for a while, I've just never written it down.