My happy place

Anybody who really knows me how much live theatre means too me and how deeply it runs in my heart. Weather I am onstage, backstage or watching a production, the people that are within that room are sharing that experience and nobody else. Every performance is different and every show is impactful in different ways. And every time I listen to a song or a soundtrack from a show I've done or seen, I can't help but be brought back to that particular night or run and I become enthralled in that night again and how personal live theatre really is. I just am allowed for those couple of hours to forget everything else in my life, and just live in the moment. True therapy.

Unfortunantly, there are people that really can't appriciate the art form and don't care too. Which deeply saddens me because it is such a unique experience. With any well done performance, you will be taken on the emotional roller coaster that the characters are going on whether it be funny, sad, angry or melancholy.

As of late, I haven't been in a show for a while, so I tend to allow myself to go back in my mind and become enveloped with past performing experiences and for a brief moment, I can have that high again and escape from the world. I really need to start going to auditions again because I really need to be onstage again and have something to really focus on outside of everything that has been going on. I may not be the best performer on the face of the planet but it's my "happy place" I guess you can call it. becoming someone else.

Sunrise

Today was nice. My mom and I went for a walk around 7am this morning and watched the sunrise, which was beautiful. Then we went to The Waffle Shop, Inc. for breakfast Which apparently Elvis ate there once. Which is pretty epic. It was really enjoyable to just sit and chat with mom for a while.

Then once we got home, I layer down for a while because I didn't sleep more than a couple hours last night. Them mom and I went to a family christmas party, which was very lovely.

Out here on my own

I am so glad for the good friends that I have but I somehow always feel like I don't fit in entirely. I don't know why this is but I just feel like I never really have anything to say and I have a hard time relating to people. I feel even more awkward trying to have a conversation with a group of people because it always seems like everyone is talking over everybody else and what I have to say never seems to be relevant to the conversation and then I hate it when some one points out and is like "you haven't been saying anything, what do you think?" and I never know what to say or I think the topic is stupid or I don't really have any knowledge base about the topic and usually by that point I don't have anything to say because what I thought about previously has nothing to do with the current topic. That or I am just not really paying attention and thinking about other things.


Other than looking for a job, I have been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. If you don't know already, I'm going to be taking a couple more classes in the spring and then I'm going to take a couple years off from college, I'm not even 100% sure I'm even going to go back to college. Possibly one of the technical schools but yeah. School really isn't my thing. I am not an academic at all. I want to travel. I want to meet some of my friends that I've been talking to online. I just want to experience different places. I just want to live life as it comes to me. I don't really have a plan. I don't necessarily want a plan. I just want to be happy.

Simmering Potpourri

I'm actually not as down as I thought I would be at this point in time, other than the usual stress about money and trying to find a job, I'm pretty happy. I threw together some simmering potpourri tonight and the house smells amazing right now. Also got my Secret Santa present today from one of my Team Regular friends. I can't wait to open it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've also gotten 4 postcards so far from postcrossing.com. So far, I've gotten one from Brazil, Vermont (USA), Rome and Salzaburg.

is there something wrong with me?

This Christmas season has honestly been difficult. I haven't really been wanting to get into the Christmas spirit. I didn't even do the Messiah performances yesterday because I just couldn't do it. Which is not like me at all. I also haven't hung out with anybody since my dad's memorial until Friday night when I went to the deaf chat with some of my friends from my ASL class. I've just been such a recluse as of late. Correction, I've always been kind of anti social but I've just haven't wanted to do as much lately since my father's death. Which I know in the long run isn't the best thing in the world. And I feel like I just don't have anybody to hang out with, every time I text someone and I'm like "hey, what are you doing this weekend?" and as always they just respond back "Nothing," and I'm always like "....you want to do something?" and as usual "I don't know, I might be doing something else." So frustrating. Am I really just that horrible at being social and trying to get people to hang out or is there something wrong with me?

So smelly!

One of my biggest pet peeves is when my house smells bad. Especially the homes of people who have lower incomes, have animals or they are just an average family and their home smells like god knows what (or some combo of the three). I'm not saying they're bad people, it just makes me want to vomit whenever I go over to their house or I smell their house smell on them.

It makes me wonder what is going on? Is it really that difficult to do an incredibly good deep clean of your house every year and to just generally keep your house really well cleaned? I know that cleaning products can be expensive, but that's what dollar stores and discount stores are for.

I am aware that the smell of someone's may be due to the building itself because of mold and what not but that doesn't really constitute you not being able to at least try and keep the smell down.

Personally, once a year, I will go bat shit crazy and clean the house like a mad women. I'll wash all the drapes, scrub down the floors and walls, move everything to the center of the floor if I need to. Dust every CD, Book, nook and cranny. Get rid of any food that's been in the cabinets for more than a year, get rid of any of my stuff that I don't use and donate it to goodwill. Just clean everything. If I can afford it, I'll even have the carpets cleaned and get the fabric covered furniture cleaned professionally if I can. Once all is said and done, I'll febreez everything and spray all hard surfaces down with lysol and open all the doors and windows and let some fresh air in.

Then like once a month or so, I will do a basic dusting, cleaning the bathroom/ shower/ kitchen/ windows and stuff pretty well. Then like every week, I will vacuum, change the sheets, clean Herman's (guinea pig) cage, sweep. Then like daily, I'll pick up, clean up, laundry and sweep up as I need too.

I get that not everybody's schedule allows them to clean as well as they need to, but make time! I honestly would rather get an hour less of sleep just to know that I am going to come home to a clean house that doesn't smell to high heaven and I can be comforatable.

Most people who come to my house, wouldn't guess that I had pets if they didn't already know we had a dog and a guinea pig. It's honestly not that hard to take the time to keep your home clean. I hate chores just as much as the next person but it really makes you feel good when you know your home is clean. Plus, what will other people think of you if your house smells badly?

What?! Already!? O.o

My guinea Pig, Herman.

I can't believe the Holiday's are here already. I have been so caught up with school, my dad's passing and just trying to deal with life in general. It's just amazing that Thanksgiving is next week. It kind of hit me yesterday how strange it is not to have dad around.

Speaking of thanksgiving, I think we might be going over to my grandmother and aunt's house this year. Which will be a first in a while. I'm so used to having at home and maybe having someone over and mom and I making dinner and dad and I watching the parade in the morning. The parade is seriously the best part. It's going to be so weird without dad. I need to start sending out Christmas Cards too. I need to get a couple of assignments done this week first though. I have honestly been glad that I haven't had a ton of homework to do this semester.

Postcrossing.com

A friend of mine told me about this website called post crossing and it's really interesting. I've been checking it out and I think I might sign up for it and do it. It's basically where you send postcards to different people around the world and you can receive postcards from around the world. It's really interesting. I think I might give it a shot.

What do you want to do when you graduate college?

Tonight as I've been thinking back on people asking me "So, what do you want to do after you graduate college?" and I never know how to answer. I'm just going to have my associate degree. I don't have a major. The only thing that I can see myself doing and that I actually enjoy is theatre. Will I ever make a living from doing theatre? I kind of doubt it unless I join the technical theatre union here in Sarasota, which I have been seriously considering. There are other things that I am interested in of course but "what I want to do with my life," I'm not sure other than wanting to do theatre.

To me it just seems like such a silly question in a way but I feel like an idiot because I don't know how to answer the question. And when I think of how others might answer the question, I imagine someone saying, "Well, I'm going to apply for a few internships, and work my way towards being hired with this company and work my way up the ladder and become the CEO and get married and have 10 kids and retired by the time I'm 36 and live in a mansion and help the children in africa and.....!" I just can't see myself planning out "what I want to do" like that. I mean if I do end up in a position of leadership in whatever I do, then I'll be very happy with what I would have achieved as long as I'm able to pay my bills and keep a roof over my head and I am happy with where I am at and I can help people when and however I can.

I just want to see where life takes me.

What am I doing wrong?

I think I must be doing something wrong because I have honestly lost count of how many applications I've put in over the last few years and I have yet to get one interview. Am I not filling out the applications right? Am I not making the right impression when I pick up an application and turn it in? When I do the application process in person, I always try to look nice, act professionally and make positive conversation, maybe throw in a joke or two. I admit, my social skills aren't the best, but I always try.

I have filled out mock applications with friends and family and they say I'm doing everything correctly and that my resume is fine, considering my lack of work experience. I know the economy isn't the best right now but how does that constitute not even getting one interview since I turned 18? It's honestly frustrating. I am grateful that I am able to live with my mom because otherwise I would be living on the streets. I acknowledge how blessed I am but I have to wonder if I'll ever be able to stand up on my own two feet. I'm not saying that I want to be a millionaire (but I wouldn't complain), I just want to be able to have the possibility of knowing that I would be able to live on my own, pay the bills, pay the rent, just the stuff that needs to get paid.It's just really frustraiting.

In other news, I thinking of doing daily vlogs again if I can get another camera. Unfortunately the one I was using went missing. Not sure what happened to it. I think it was stolen at this point but I'm hoping I will be able to buy a  new one. There is a DSLR and a point and shoot that I want but I'm just hoping for the Point and shoot right now. We shall see what happens.

Am I crazy?

One thing I despise about myself is that I either over-stress or I don't stress enough. I can't seem to find a
"happy medium." Why this is? I have no idea. Such as, I started having some issues with my computer yesterday. Not a huge deal right? I just need to talk to a friend of mine and bring it over to him to work on it but I am just stressing out so much about it because I have an 8 page paper that I need to write for my Sign Language class and another huge assignment for my astronomy test and I can't afford to not have a computer and I can't afford to buy a new one. Although the issue with my computer, I am sure, is a simple problem, the worst always comes to my mind.

On the other extreme, albeit I am having computer troubles, I am not too concerned about rushing on getting my assignments done because I have a couple weeks when I should be working on them more than I am. I should be a bit more concerned about these things, but I'm not.

-.- I don't know what's normal about me and what isn't. Honestly, if I could afford it, I would see a psychologist but yeah. =/ Like that's possible. *sigh*

My Child

My Child,

You may not know me, 
but I know everything about you. 
Psalm 139:1 

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. 
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. 
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. 
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. 
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28 

For you are my offspring. 
Acts 17:28 

I knew you even before you were conceived. 
Jeremiah 1:4-5 

I chose you when I planned creation. 
Ephesians 1:11-12 

You were not a mistake, 
for all your days are written in my book. 
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth 
and where you would live. 
Acts 17:26 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. 
Psalm 139:14 

I knit you together in your mother's womb. 
Psalm 139:13 

And brought you forth on the day you were born. 
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented 
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, 
but am the complete expression of love. 
1 John 4:16 

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 
1 John 3:1 

Simply because you are my child 
and I am your Father. 
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. 
Matthew 7:11 

For I am the perfect father. 
Matthew 5:48 

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. 
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. 
Matthew 6:31-33 

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. 
Jeremiah 29:11 

Because I love you with an everlasting love. 
Jeremiah 31:3 

My thoughts toward you are countless 
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. 
Zephaniah 3:17 

I will never stop doing good to you. 
Jeremiah 32:40 

For you are my treasured possession. 
Exodus 19:5 

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul. 
Jeremiah 32:41 

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. 
Jeremiah 33:3 

If you seek me with all your heart, 
you will find me. 
Deuteronomy 4:29 

Delight in me and I will give you 
the desires of your heart. 
Psalm 37:4 

For it is I who gave you those desires. 
Philippians 2:13 

I am able to do more for you 
than you could possibly imagine. 
Ephesians 3:20 

For I am your greatest encourager. 
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you 
in all your troubles. 
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 

When you are brokenhearted, 
I am close to you. 
Psalm 34:18 

As a shepherd carries a lamb, 
I have carried you close to my heart. 
Isaiah 40:11 

One day I will wipe away 
every tear from your eyes. 
Revelation 21:3-4 

And I'll take away all the pain 
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4 

I am your Father, and I love you 
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23 

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. 
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. 
Hebrews 1:3 

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, 
not against you. 
Romans 8:31 

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 
2 Corinthians 5:18-19 

His death was the ultimate expression 
of my love for you. 
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love. 
Romans 8:31-32 

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, 
you receive me. 
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you 
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party 
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7 

I have always been Father, 
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15 

My question is…
Will you be my child? 
John 1:12-13 

I am waiting for you. 
Luke 15:11-32

-God

Opera House dream...

Last night, I had a dream that I was back at the Sarasota Opera House doing Lil' Abner and since I had a significant break until I was onstage again, I went to go look around the Opera house, of course, in my dream, the opera house looked completely different that it actually is but I seemed to know where I was going. I was still in my costume, but I was wearing one of the costumes that I wore when I did the show when I was 12, but it was when I did it this time around. The first time I was walking through the opera house, I think it was one of the usher's but someone told me that I wasn't allowed to walk around the theatre and that I needed to stay backstage. So I go backstage and just chill in my dressing room (even though I didn't have a dressing room the 2nd time I did the show). Then a few minutes later I go walking around the opera house again to see if I could discover an area I'd never seen before. The opera house staff and usher's keep telling me that I need to go backstage and I keep trying to find my way, but I can't get backstage, I knew I get backstage through the house but the performance is going on and I can't just walk in the house and walk onstage during the performance. So I'm just wandering around the opera house not knowing how to get back. I keep trying to ask how to get back but people just keep ignoring me or I can't seem to sum up the courage to ask them. Then through the house doors, I here the scene start that I'm supposed to be in but I still can't find my way backstage, so I just leave the theatre and leave my things there and walk home, absolutely discouraged.

Something I really need to deal with...

I sit here at my computer day after day doing my schoolwork, planning my summer, writing, futzing around online and whatever else. I'll be going through my new's feed on facebook or reading a friends blog or watching a youtube video about what is going on in their life and learning about the struggles that they have gone through or are currently going through. Then I just sit back and I think about what I have gone through in the past and I honestly start to think that I really don't have it all that bad. Nor do I have to deal with as much BS as some people do. Sure I have my own personal issues that I need to deal with but it isn't all that bad because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Whereas some don't even have a glimpse of light yet they have more faith in the future than I do.

The people that I am thinking of somehow manage to keep moving forward with their lives whereas I am always stuck in the past somehow. I have good intentions but I never seem to start the things I want to. I've been saying since I lost my job at Bayside back in 2008 that I need to get another one. I have applied for jobs but I am not as persistent as I need to be. I've been saying that I want to start writing a script, I have an idea for a script written down but haven't actually started the script yet. I keep saying I am going to start taking voice lessons and find an acting coach. I contact my voice teacher and a possible acting coach but I never go through with making a lesson time. I keep saying I'm going to start going to a shrink. I contact a few and I don't follow through when they get back in touch with me.

 I don't know why but I think part of me is afraid of change and "growing up." There is one aspect of who I am that is more mature than some people my age yet another part that is naive and childish. There is one part of me that is quiet and shy yet another part of me that wants to be in the center of attention. Maybe that's why I love making youtube video's so much. I really don't know.

I am honestly afraid of being one of those people who are 35 and still being supported by my parents. I'm not just realizing any of this either. This is something that has been going on in my mind for a while, I've just never written it down.

Alone in the universe...

Something like this I normally would post on facebook or livejournal and set it to where only my friends can see it but for some reason I felt the need to do it on here. The Sarasota Players theatre recently announced the productions that they are going to be doing for their 82nd season. One of them is "Seussical," Which is a show I have been wanting to do since 2004. I would love to play Gertrude McFuzz but regardless of who I get cast as, I want to be in the show regardless. I'm not one who usually get's attached to a show and "dreams" of being in the show but this is really the only one.

When the player's announced it, it honestly inspired me start taking voice and acting lessons again. Although I have a feeling I'll really only be doing that once a month, maybe every other week if I can manage. Over the last few years, I've forgotten how much I love being onstage. Especially with some of the things that happened over the past year.

I'll be honest, I don't know if I will ever be able to make acting and singing a full time career but it's something I always want to do. I want to be able to show off the talent that I have somewhere inside of me. Sure, I have let my singing, dancing and acting go down the drain but with some work I can be better than I ever have been.

Haterz gunna hate!

Over the last couple of years, I have learned and come to accept the fact that some people hate me for no legitimate reason, if any reason at that. Some people it is just sheer immaturity and ignorance. Some, have a (somewhat) legitimate reason, but still not completely legitimate since a majority of these people refuse to see the truth of the situation. I have said pretty negative things about some people, but only out of personal experience and I am being completely honest when I tell people what I think about someone and/or the experiences I've had with them, weather good or bad. I have had people tell me I am a liar and simply seeking to be in the center of attention. I think to a point this may be true with everyone. I don't intentionally try and put myself in the center of attention. I don't make youtube video's to be in the center of attention.

I make youtube video's, partly to document some of my life so I can look back on the video's in the future and remember the shows I've done, to be able to remember the day when my cousin's son walked for the first time, to remember the experiences I've had and the memories I've created. I also talk about my weight loss struggles, my opinions on religious and political issues. Do reviews on movies, books, products, websites and maybe talk about a new recipe I discovered. I also hope to maybe influence someone's life. None of it is to benefit me. I don't make money doing it.

Back to what I originally started talking about, learning to not let what other people think of me get me down isn't easy. I still find it difficult to just let it go and forgive these people. I still manage to keep tabs on some of these people and sometimes I see something they post about me and most of the time it's hurtful but I know better then to talk to these people about what they say because I know it isn't going to do any good.

When I just sit and think about all of this, I think about a couple of things.

On youtube, there are always going to be haters and they are going to hate no matter what. These people are just on youtube to leave negative comments and put others down because they have nothing better to do. The real youtube community does not let the haters get them down because we all know that they are trying to put their insecurities and frustrations out on people who make videos. All you can do is ignore them and not feed the fire because haters gonna hate.

I also think about a conversation a friend of mine and I had back in November or so. I was discussing with him some of the drama that was (and to an extent still is) going on. I was trying to put everything behind me but the show I was doing at the time made it difficult since a couple of the people who were causing the drama were in the cast. With the glares and the comments I heard behind my back, I just couldn't take it anymore and had to talk to him about it. He told me something that his mother used to say, "Don't let the bastards get you down."

Whenever something starts to bug me, I think about these things and I know that no matter what, these people are going to say things about me behind my back and make fun of me. There is nothing I can do to stop them because this is a free country, and I think to myself "Don't let those bastards get you down." I may go shed a few tears but with a few deep breaths and clearing my mind. I keep going forward.

How is any of the current drama going to effect both my future both professionally and personally? I don't know. I can only deal with things as they come. I am expecting the worst and hoping for the best.