I have recently obtained a job, which I am very grateful that I can finally say that I have a job but on the first day, I hit a brick wall. I know what you're thinking, it's normal to hit a brick wall on a regular basis as you are in the training process of a new job. Which I agree with you, to a point. The job I was hired for is a fundraiser campaign for a local repertory theatre. Which as you can imagine, requires me to call past patrons, donors and sponsors. Not a big deal right? I didn't think so either. Until I had an anxiety attack 2 calls in.
Which at that point, I made an excuse to leave a few minute early and my manager was kind enough to let me go without question. So, as I got into my car I just couldn't do anything but sit there with my heart pounding, sweating like crazy (despite it being fairly cool outside) with a massive headache and crying. At that moment I was grateful that I parked in a corner of the parking lot that wasn't very well lit and when my manager and co-worker left, I don't think they saw my car.
20 minutes later, I finally started the car and pulled out and instantly felt like a failure because I had only made 2 calls and was already considering leaving the job. I e-mailed my manager the following day, giving her my reasons as to why I couldn't come in the next day.
While I knew I had anxiety in regards to talking on the phone. I didn't realize it was that bad. I've always been able to make calls that I needed to in the past, like making doctors appointments, setting up interviews with other companies that I applied for, making plans with friends, things of that nature. It's always taken me a few minutes to get together the courage or put my thoughts together enough before I made a call. Granted my heart is pounding after any given call that I place but I've managed somehow up to this point. but for whatever reason, the thought of making possibly hundreds of calls in a 5 hour shift finally hit me as I was only 2 calls in. Granted I had 4 1/2 hours of training that day and only had to do about half an hour of work, it still managed to shoot me in the foot.
I do have to admit I feel like a failure because of the fact that I've been considering leaving this job even only after 1 day. I'm just not sure if I should stay and risk more anxiety attacks in the future and have my whole life revolve around being stressed 24/7 over a job or if I should start looking for something else and start getting treatment of some sort.
Seeing a therapist is something I can't avoid now. Especially if my anxiety is going to be affecting me in such a way and I can't control it. I just need to decide by Sunday if I'm going to stay with this job or not. It's only until the first week of April. I love my manger and I love the person I was working with. I want to stay with this job but if it's going to affect me this negatively, is it really worth it?
I'm not writing this for sympathy, I'm not writing this because I want attention. I'm writing this because I want to let other's know that they aren't alone and that they aren't crazy. Do I feel crazy? Yes but I know there are other's out there going through the same thing and if you suffer from anxiety, I just want you to know you're not the only one and that it can get better. It just takes some self realization and to find a good therapist to help you get through it.
