Am I crazy?

One thing I despise about myself is that I either over-stress or I don't stress enough. I can't seem to find a
"happy medium." Why this is? I have no idea. Such as, I started having some issues with my computer yesterday. Not a huge deal right? I just need to talk to a friend of mine and bring it over to him to work on it but I am just stressing out so much about it because I have an 8 page paper that I need to write for my Sign Language class and another huge assignment for my astronomy test and I can't afford to not have a computer and I can't afford to buy a new one. Although the issue with my computer, I am sure, is a simple problem, the worst always comes to my mind.

On the other extreme, albeit I am having computer troubles, I am not too concerned about rushing on getting my assignments done because I have a couple weeks when I should be working on them more than I am. I should be a bit more concerned about these things, but I'm not.

-.- I don't know what's normal about me and what isn't. Honestly, if I could afford it, I would see a psychologist but yeah. =/ Like that's possible. *sigh*

My Child

My Child,

You may not know me, 
but I know everything about you. 
Psalm 139:1 

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. 
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. 
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. 
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. 
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28 

For you are my offspring. 
Acts 17:28 

I knew you even before you were conceived. 
Jeremiah 1:4-5 

I chose you when I planned creation. 
Ephesians 1:11-12 

You were not a mistake, 
for all your days are written in my book. 
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth 
and where you would live. 
Acts 17:26 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. 
Psalm 139:14 

I knit you together in your mother's womb. 
Psalm 139:13 

And brought you forth on the day you were born. 
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented 
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, 
but am the complete expression of love. 
1 John 4:16 

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 
1 John 3:1 

Simply because you are my child 
and I am your Father. 
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. 
Matthew 7:11 

For I am the perfect father. 
Matthew 5:48 

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. 
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. 
Matthew 6:31-33 

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. 
Jeremiah 29:11 

Because I love you with an everlasting love. 
Jeremiah 31:3 

My thoughts toward you are countless 
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. 
Zephaniah 3:17 

I will never stop doing good to you. 
Jeremiah 32:40 

For you are my treasured possession. 
Exodus 19:5 

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul. 
Jeremiah 32:41 

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. 
Jeremiah 33:3 

If you seek me with all your heart, 
you will find me. 
Deuteronomy 4:29 

Delight in me and I will give you 
the desires of your heart. 
Psalm 37:4 

For it is I who gave you those desires. 
Philippians 2:13 

I am able to do more for you 
than you could possibly imagine. 
Ephesians 3:20 

For I am your greatest encourager. 
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you 
in all your troubles. 
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 

When you are brokenhearted, 
I am close to you. 
Psalm 34:18 

As a shepherd carries a lamb, 
I have carried you close to my heart. 
Isaiah 40:11 

One day I will wipe away 
every tear from your eyes. 
Revelation 21:3-4 

And I'll take away all the pain 
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4 

I am your Father, and I love you 
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23 

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. 
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. 
Hebrews 1:3 

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, 
not against you. 
Romans 8:31 

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 
2 Corinthians 5:18-19 

His death was the ultimate expression 
of my love for you. 
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love. 
Romans 8:31-32 

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, 
you receive me. 
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you 
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party 
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7 

I have always been Father, 
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15 

My question is…
Will you be my child? 
John 1:12-13 

I am waiting for you. 
Luke 15:11-32

-God

Opera House dream...

Last night, I had a dream that I was back at the Sarasota Opera House doing Lil' Abner and since I had a significant break until I was onstage again, I went to go look around the Opera house, of course, in my dream, the opera house looked completely different that it actually is but I seemed to know where I was going. I was still in my costume, but I was wearing one of the costumes that I wore when I did the show when I was 12, but it was when I did it this time around. The first time I was walking through the opera house, I think it was one of the usher's but someone told me that I wasn't allowed to walk around the theatre and that I needed to stay backstage. So I go backstage and just chill in my dressing room (even though I didn't have a dressing room the 2nd time I did the show). Then a few minutes later I go walking around the opera house again to see if I could discover an area I'd never seen before. The opera house staff and usher's keep telling me that I need to go backstage and I keep trying to find my way, but I can't get backstage, I knew I get backstage through the house but the performance is going on and I can't just walk in the house and walk onstage during the performance. So I'm just wandering around the opera house not knowing how to get back. I keep trying to ask how to get back but people just keep ignoring me or I can't seem to sum up the courage to ask them. Then through the house doors, I here the scene start that I'm supposed to be in but I still can't find my way backstage, so I just leave the theatre and leave my things there and walk home, absolutely discouraged.

Something I really need to deal with...

I sit here at my computer day after day doing my schoolwork, planning my summer, writing, futzing around online and whatever else. I'll be going through my new's feed on facebook or reading a friends blog or watching a youtube video about what is going on in their life and learning about the struggles that they have gone through or are currently going through. Then I just sit back and I think about what I have gone through in the past and I honestly start to think that I really don't have it all that bad. Nor do I have to deal with as much BS as some people do. Sure I have my own personal issues that I need to deal with but it isn't all that bad because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Whereas some don't even have a glimpse of light yet they have more faith in the future than I do.

The people that I am thinking of somehow manage to keep moving forward with their lives whereas I am always stuck in the past somehow. I have good intentions but I never seem to start the things I want to. I've been saying since I lost my job at Bayside back in 2008 that I need to get another one. I have applied for jobs but I am not as persistent as I need to be. I've been saying that I want to start writing a script, I have an idea for a script written down but haven't actually started the script yet. I keep saying I am going to start taking voice lessons and find an acting coach. I contact my voice teacher and a possible acting coach but I never go through with making a lesson time. I keep saying I'm going to start going to a shrink. I contact a few and I don't follow through when they get back in touch with me.

 I don't know why but I think part of me is afraid of change and "growing up." There is one aspect of who I am that is more mature than some people my age yet another part that is naive and childish. There is one part of me that is quiet and shy yet another part of me that wants to be in the center of attention. Maybe that's why I love making youtube video's so much. I really don't know.

I am honestly afraid of being one of those people who are 35 and still being supported by my parents. I'm not just realizing any of this either. This is something that has been going on in my mind for a while, I've just never written it down.

Alone in the universe...

Something like this I normally would post on facebook or livejournal and set it to where only my friends can see it but for some reason I felt the need to do it on here. The Sarasota Players theatre recently announced the productions that they are going to be doing for their 82nd season. One of them is "Seussical," Which is a show I have been wanting to do since 2004. I would love to play Gertrude McFuzz but regardless of who I get cast as, I want to be in the show regardless. I'm not one who usually get's attached to a show and "dreams" of being in the show but this is really the only one.

When the player's announced it, it honestly inspired me start taking voice and acting lessons again. Although I have a feeling I'll really only be doing that once a month, maybe every other week if I can manage. Over the last few years, I've forgotten how much I love being onstage. Especially with some of the things that happened over the past year.

I'll be honest, I don't know if I will ever be able to make acting and singing a full time career but it's something I always want to do. I want to be able to show off the talent that I have somewhere inside of me. Sure, I have let my singing, dancing and acting go down the drain but with some work I can be better than I ever have been.

Haterz gunna hate!

Over the last couple of years, I have learned and come to accept the fact that some people hate me for no legitimate reason, if any reason at that. Some people it is just sheer immaturity and ignorance. Some, have a (somewhat) legitimate reason, but still not completely legitimate since a majority of these people refuse to see the truth of the situation. I have said pretty negative things about some people, but only out of personal experience and I am being completely honest when I tell people what I think about someone and/or the experiences I've had with them, weather good or bad. I have had people tell me I am a liar and simply seeking to be in the center of attention. I think to a point this may be true with everyone. I don't intentionally try and put myself in the center of attention. I don't make youtube video's to be in the center of attention.

I make youtube video's, partly to document some of my life so I can look back on the video's in the future and remember the shows I've done, to be able to remember the day when my cousin's son walked for the first time, to remember the experiences I've had and the memories I've created. I also talk about my weight loss struggles, my opinions on religious and political issues. Do reviews on movies, books, products, websites and maybe talk about a new recipe I discovered. I also hope to maybe influence someone's life. None of it is to benefit me. I don't make money doing it.

Back to what I originally started talking about, learning to not let what other people think of me get me down isn't easy. I still find it difficult to just let it go and forgive these people. I still manage to keep tabs on some of these people and sometimes I see something they post about me and most of the time it's hurtful but I know better then to talk to these people about what they say because I know it isn't going to do any good.

When I just sit and think about all of this, I think about a couple of things.

On youtube, there are always going to be haters and they are going to hate no matter what. These people are just on youtube to leave negative comments and put others down because they have nothing better to do. The real youtube community does not let the haters get them down because we all know that they are trying to put their insecurities and frustrations out on people who make videos. All you can do is ignore them and not feed the fire because haters gonna hate.

I also think about a conversation a friend of mine and I had back in November or so. I was discussing with him some of the drama that was (and to an extent still is) going on. I was trying to put everything behind me but the show I was doing at the time made it difficult since a couple of the people who were causing the drama were in the cast. With the glares and the comments I heard behind my back, I just couldn't take it anymore and had to talk to him about it. He told me something that his mother used to say, "Don't let the bastards get you down."

Whenever something starts to bug me, I think about these things and I know that no matter what, these people are going to say things about me behind my back and make fun of me. There is nothing I can do to stop them because this is a free country, and I think to myself "Don't let those bastards get you down." I may go shed a few tears but with a few deep breaths and clearing my mind. I keep going forward.

How is any of the current drama going to effect both my future both professionally and personally? I don't know. I can only deal with things as they come. I am expecting the worst and hoping for the best.

Nirvana

Night before last, I was dreaming about Nirvana. Not the band but as in Buddhism. Why this was, I don't know. I had just woken up and the word "Nirvana" kept going through my mind and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since.

For those who don't know, Nirvana is a central concept in many pagan religions such as Buddhism, Jainism and Hinduism. The English translation of Nirvana is "extinguishing." According to Wikipedia "In sramanic thought, it is the state of being free from suffering (or dukkha). In Hindu philosophy, it is the union with the Supreme being through moksha. The word literally means "blowing out" — referring, in the Hindu context, to the supreme state free of suffering and individual existence, and in the Buddhist context, to the blowing out of the fires of greed, hatred, and delusion." The meaning I stated just now is what I have come to understand from my research over time.

Again, I really don't know why I haven't been able to get my mind off of this concept. Maybe the Gods are trying to tell me something. I have been trying to figure out what that something is. Maybe whoever reads this will say that it's right in front of my face and I'm just missing it.

While we're on the topic, Lithium by Nirvana anyone?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkcJEvMcnEg