Out here on my own

I am so glad for the good friends that I have but I somehow always feel like I don't fit in entirely. I don't know why this is but I just feel like I never really have anything to say and I have a hard time relating to people. I feel even more awkward trying to have a conversation with a group of people because it always seems like everyone is talking over everybody else and what I have to say never seems to be relevant to the conversation and then I hate it when some one points out and is like "you haven't been saying anything, what do you think?" and I never know what to say or I think the topic is stupid or I don't really have any knowledge base about the topic and usually by that point I don't have anything to say because what I thought about previously has nothing to do with the current topic. That or I am just not really paying attention and thinking about other things.


Other than looking for a job, I have been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. If you don't know already, I'm going to be taking a couple more classes in the spring and then I'm going to take a couple years off from college, I'm not even 100% sure I'm even going to go back to college. Possibly one of the technical schools but yeah. School really isn't my thing. I am not an academic at all. I want to travel. I want to meet some of my friends that I've been talking to online. I just want to experience different places. I just want to live life as it comes to me. I don't really have a plan. I don't necessarily want a plan. I just want to be happy.

Simmering Potpourri

I'm actually not as down as I thought I would be at this point in time, other than the usual stress about money and trying to find a job, I'm pretty happy. I threw together some simmering potpourri tonight and the house smells amazing right now. Also got my Secret Santa present today from one of my Team Regular friends. I can't wait to open it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've also gotten 4 postcards so far from postcrossing.com. So far, I've gotten one from Brazil, Vermont (USA), Rome and Salzaburg.

is there something wrong with me?

This Christmas season has honestly been difficult. I haven't really been wanting to get into the Christmas spirit. I didn't even do the Messiah performances yesterday because I just couldn't do it. Which is not like me at all. I also haven't hung out with anybody since my dad's memorial until Friday night when I went to the deaf chat with some of my friends from my ASL class. I've just been such a recluse as of late. Correction, I've always been kind of anti social but I've just haven't wanted to do as much lately since my father's death. Which I know in the long run isn't the best thing in the world. And I feel like I just don't have anybody to hang out with, every time I text someone and I'm like "hey, what are you doing this weekend?" and as always they just respond back "Nothing," and I'm always like "....you want to do something?" and as usual "I don't know, I might be doing something else." So frustrating. Am I really just that horrible at being social and trying to get people to hang out or is there something wrong with me?

So smelly!

One of my biggest pet peeves is when my house smells bad. Especially the homes of people who have lower incomes, have animals or they are just an average family and their home smells like god knows what (or some combo of the three). I'm not saying they're bad people, it just makes me want to vomit whenever I go over to their house or I smell their house smell on them.

It makes me wonder what is going on? Is it really that difficult to do an incredibly good deep clean of your house every year and to just generally keep your house really well cleaned? I know that cleaning products can be expensive, but that's what dollar stores and discount stores are for.

I am aware that the smell of someone's may be due to the building itself because of mold and what not but that doesn't really constitute you not being able to at least try and keep the smell down.

Personally, once a year, I will go bat shit crazy and clean the house like a mad women. I'll wash all the drapes, scrub down the floors and walls, move everything to the center of the floor if I need to. Dust every CD, Book, nook and cranny. Get rid of any food that's been in the cabinets for more than a year, get rid of any of my stuff that I don't use and donate it to goodwill. Just clean everything. If I can afford it, I'll even have the carpets cleaned and get the fabric covered furniture cleaned professionally if I can. Once all is said and done, I'll febreez everything and spray all hard surfaces down with lysol and open all the doors and windows and let some fresh air in.

Then like once a month or so, I will do a basic dusting, cleaning the bathroom/ shower/ kitchen/ windows and stuff pretty well. Then like every week, I will vacuum, change the sheets, clean Herman's (guinea pig) cage, sweep. Then like daily, I'll pick up, clean up, laundry and sweep up as I need too.

I get that not everybody's schedule allows them to clean as well as they need to, but make time! I honestly would rather get an hour less of sleep just to know that I am going to come home to a clean house that doesn't smell to high heaven and I can be comforatable.

Most people who come to my house, wouldn't guess that I had pets if they didn't already know we had a dog and a guinea pig. It's honestly not that hard to take the time to keep your home clean. I hate chores just as much as the next person but it really makes you feel good when you know your home is clean. Plus, what will other people think of you if your house smells badly?

What?! Already!? O.o

My guinea Pig, Herman.

I can't believe the Holiday's are here already. I have been so caught up with school, my dad's passing and just trying to deal with life in general. It's just amazing that Thanksgiving is next week. It kind of hit me yesterday how strange it is not to have dad around.

Speaking of thanksgiving, I think we might be going over to my grandmother and aunt's house this year. Which will be a first in a while. I'm so used to having at home and maybe having someone over and mom and I making dinner and dad and I watching the parade in the morning. The parade is seriously the best part. It's going to be so weird without dad. I need to start sending out Christmas Cards too. I need to get a couple of assignments done this week first though. I have honestly been glad that I haven't had a ton of homework to do this semester.

Postcrossing.com

A friend of mine told me about this website called post crossing and it's really interesting. I've been checking it out and I think I might sign up for it and do it. It's basically where you send postcards to different people around the world and you can receive postcards from around the world. It's really interesting. I think I might give it a shot.

What do you want to do when you graduate college?

Tonight as I've been thinking back on people asking me "So, what do you want to do after you graduate college?" and I never know how to answer. I'm just going to have my associate degree. I don't have a major. The only thing that I can see myself doing and that I actually enjoy is theatre. Will I ever make a living from doing theatre? I kind of doubt it unless I join the technical theatre union here in Sarasota, which I have been seriously considering. There are other things that I am interested in of course but "what I want to do with my life," I'm not sure other than wanting to do theatre.

To me it just seems like such a silly question in a way but I feel like an idiot because I don't know how to answer the question. And when I think of how others might answer the question, I imagine someone saying, "Well, I'm going to apply for a few internships, and work my way towards being hired with this company and work my way up the ladder and become the CEO and get married and have 10 kids and retired by the time I'm 36 and live in a mansion and help the children in africa and.....!" I just can't see myself planning out "what I want to do" like that. I mean if I do end up in a position of leadership in whatever I do, then I'll be very happy with what I would have achieved as long as I'm able to pay my bills and keep a roof over my head and I am happy with where I am at and I can help people when and however I can.

I just want to see where life takes me.